Pointless
by Sarah1281
Summary: The thing about Lex having no idea who he is, Clark has come to realize, is that it renders their history completely moot. Pointless. The fact that it looks like Lex's still going to be a villain makes his attempts to save him seem just as worthwhile.


Pointless

Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville.

It's not like I've never been to a press conference before. It's not even like I haven't been to one of _Lex's_ press conferences before. It's been quite awhile, I do have to admit, and I've never felt that I've belonged less.

Maybe it was the fact that the first time that we properly met I saved his life – a fact that I don't think ever stopped astounding him – and maybe it was just that I was virtually the only person he knew who didn't hate him or try to suck up to him but Lex has never looked at me like he looks at other people. Whenever I was in the room, he was always focusing at least part of his attention – usually more – on me no matter what else he was doing at the time. Even at our worst, I have to admit that there was something nice about that.

Lex glanced at me once when he first came in, when his eyes were sweeping over all of the reporters. I think he was looking more at Lois, though, which isn't surprising as she's the one who pulled off the big President story a few months back and I'm trying to blend into the background more so people won't connect me with Superman. I'm actually surprised at how easy it was to slide into my new introverted and somewhat bumbling persona given I've worked with some of these people for years. It's to my advantage, however, so I'm not complaining.

Yes, apparently they're calling me Superman. Lois was the one who first identified me as that in print but I know it was Chloe's idea…mostly because when I called her to complain she told me that it was either that or 'Übermensch.' At least 'Superman' fits with the crest of the House of El.

That's what's so bizarre about this press conference and what I suppose I'll have to get used to because I can't see this changing any time soon.

Lex really has no idea who I am. I met him a decade ago and I can honestly say that I have no idea who I would be if I hadn't known him but he might not even know my name. Oh, I'm sure that in the future he'll learn it and grow to dislike me for my steadfast support of Superman and the anti-LexCorp articles that Lois and I will pen in the future but it will be a strictly professional thing.

Lex and I have _never_ been professional and now that's all we'll ever be.

I wonder sometimes if I should really be upset about this at all and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't be more so.

On the one hand, Lex (or the Lex-clone rather, it's not exactly really him but close enough for discomfort) had clearly snapped. I knew he was growing increasingly unstable ever since…well, ever since that time we all thought he was dead after his second wedding, actually, but he had really lost it the last time we spoke. He had decided that he was going to be the villain to my hero and go off committing dastardly deeds pretty much just so he could be a great man. He'll never be great as long as he thinks like that. Well, now I suppose he doesn't if only because he simply can't remember.

The last time I had really seen him, back when he brought the Fortress of Solitude down around us both, he had been trying – failing but trying – to be a hero. He had thought that I was a threat to humanity (a position that I can't fully disagree with given all the times I've been overcome by kryptonite and the like) and that I needed to be stopped. He had thought that the fact that a few people with special powers went around killing people meant that we all needed to be corralled and contained. He was going about it all the wrong way but he didn't have all the facts and he was doing the best he could. He was still my occasional enemy but he wasn't doing it for some grand act of hubris. The Lex that couldn't quite manage to be a hero might not have ruined everything once he knew my secret (I wasn't sure enough of that to have every actually told him but it was a possibility) but this new Lex? There was no question that he couldn't know. He might have kept quiet for awhile so we could play our 'game' but anyone who would hurt and kill people for fun wasn't to be trusted under any circumstances.

Still…I can't even imagine losing everything. I know that there was a time not long ago when I was trying to completely cut my past out of my life but I had it beaten into my head pretty thoroughly that that was a bad idea. Our pasts make us who we are.

Lex doesn't have a past anymore. One day he'll get one but for now he's pretty much a blank slate and I wouldn't have wished that on anyone. I know why Tess did what she did but I wish it hadn't had to come to that. He killed his own sister so maybe he really was _that_ far gone.

I can't help thinking…I know Lex better than probably anyone alive. I've seen him through good times and bad, I was asked to be best man at two of his weddings, I've saved him more times than I can count, he's saved me more times than I'm comfortable with, that mansion of his was practically a second home for me back in high school. From the beginning he was adamant that we have _some_ kind of destiny together and now I suppose we will. Clark Kent will bring the public's attention to the shadier aspects of LexCorp and of Lex personally while Superman will square off against him in his more illegal and outright evil enterprises.

I have all of this history with Lex and he doesn't have any of that anymore so I wonder what it really mattered. All those arguments we had we might not have bothered with for all the difference it made, all those games of pool and cups of coffee were just wiped away. Lex can't even remember his own parents but at least he won't have to live with the knowledge that he killed his father. If that would even bother him.

That's what's really getting to me. Every moment I spent with Lex is still burned in my memory but it was burned away from his. It all feels so pointless now, those years I spent helplessly watching him slip into darkness. We might as well have never met before today for all the impact it will have on our relationship now or on him. As far as he knows, we _haven't_ met before. It's safer for me, certainly, but I can't bring myself to be glad for it. Everyone else is, of course, but I just can't manage it.

He changed his company from LuthorCorp back to LexCorp. It's not exactly surprising since he wants to make it his own and how much more can you own a company than by naming it after yourself? Whenever I hear the new name, it reminds me of the first LexCorp, the one that Lex formed to save the workers of Smallville after his father had ruthlessly laid them all off just to try to force Lex to return to Metropolis. Lex hadn't seen it as a game then when it was only livelihoods and not actually lives but somewhere along the line that had changed.

I wonder if it's worse to be sentimental about someone who would only use your nostalgia to hurt or exploit you or someone who isn't even aware because he has no idea.

It's a bit soon to tell if he's still hell-bent on being the villain or not but LexCorp activities have been sufficiently shady to make Lois and Perry suspicious. Then again, the fact that its CEO's name is Lex Luthor is enough to make those two suspicious. I'm actually rather hoping that, unethical or not, Lex does think he's being the hero instead of outright diving into villainy. It would not only be better for him, I think, but for Metropolis and the world if he has _some_ ethical principle guiding him.

The other reason I don't want him to be evil is because there doesn't really seem to be any reason as to _why_ he would be. He can't remember all the times I've lied to him, all the times people have betrayed and tried to kill him, all the times his father was…well, his father. Sure he can't remember anything but most people who lose their memories don't decide that the only rational way of responding to that is to become a villain.

If Lex is a villain when he doesn't have any reason to be then it seems like he was just always going to be one no matter what. Lionel could have been a world-renowned humanitarian, Lillian could have been alive and loved all of her family dearly, Julian could have grown up idolizing Lex, Smallville could have welcomed him with open arms, I could have confessed my secret the minute he hit me and it wouldn't have mattered. He still would have found some reason to turn evil.

I'm really not comfortable with that.

On some level, it lets me off the hook. If he was always going to turn out like this then it meant that all those times that I didn't trust him I was absolutely right to do so. All those times he saved me and all those times he helped other people didn't mean anything because he was never going to win that fight against his own darkness no matter how valiantly he struggled to defy fate. It would mean that I did the right thing and have nothing to feel guilty about.

I _hate_ the constant wondering and second-guessing I've had to do for years now. What if I hadn't had the presence of mind to lie to him on the bridge that day? What if I told him the truth when he asked for it for one of the first – if not _the_ first – times after Eric managed to get my powers. What if I'd gone to Lex to help when Jor-El was trying to make me leave Smallville? What if I hadn't fled when Lex saw me using my powers when he'd been drugged and what if I'd come for him sooner? What if he had regained his memory of those weeks? What if I'd never found Lex's creepy stalking room? What if I really had given him another chance after he'd saved me down in that tunnel? What if – and here's the big one – what if when Lex basically told me that he was on the verge of giving up on me and that if he mattered to me at all I would tell him the truth, I actually had?

If Lex was just destined to be evil then nothing good would have come of it and the best-case scenario would be that we'd still end up here today on opposing sides. Part of me wants to believe that he couldn't be saved because that failure was one of the most painful.

But still…Another, larger, part of me doesn't want to just accept that because he was once a brother to me and it seems an insult to his memory to just write him off that completely even if that does make me a large part of why he ended up this way.

I really shouldn't let this bother me so much because I'm the only one that's left _to_ be bothered by this and it's not like Lex himself has any concerns about whether I failed him. If I went up to him right now and apologized for failing him, he'd probably just laugh at me or at least stare blankly. Probably start investigating me so that's definitely not a good idea. I don't need Lex suspicious of me this early.

Luthor. I'm going to have to get used to calling him Mr. Luthor or just plain Luthor even though that used to be the last thing he wanted to be identified as and whenever I think of 'Mr. Luthor' I still picture Lionel. But of course, I'm just one of those reporters that Lex has always hated now. Lex's lost memories mean I've lost first-name privileges. I'm really not looking forward to the first time he calls me Mr. Kent.

"Are you alright?" Lois asks me quietly. "Because if you're not then I can always cover for you. This might have been too early."

I shook my head. "It won't get any better, I've got to get used to this now."

I did manage a smile, though, for her. She's never really understood the history that Lex and I have – _had_ – but of course she'd be supportive either way. Well, as long as I'm not trying to do something crazy like reaching out to the amnesiac clone of the man who was once my best friend, at any rate.

Lex eyed the room again, glancing right past me as if I were invisible. Then he opened his mouth and started to speak.

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